Cloud gets a haircut
by Tiny Wolverine
Summary: It's Cloud! And he needs a haircut, thanks to Tifa... or she will break up with him! But not everything goes as planned! Crackfic. I own nothing except the 'barber', the shop, the pig, and Cid's bear. R&R!


**Author's Note:** This story is inspired by Renzo (He gave me the title, and it sort of swapped from 'Cloud Goes to the Barber' to 'Cloud gets a Haircut' because… well, you'll see), but, sorry Renzo, this story is dedicated to Turk 4 Life! Don't be offended! And read and review, everyone! If you can…

**Cloud gets a Haircut**

Cloud wandered around the shops looking for a barber. "Du-uh… Curse Tifa and her tickly nose," he mumbled to himself as he checked the map. He couldn't go anywhere without a map because he'll get lost and cry until some kind old person would point out his destination.

He needed a haircut badly, he knew, but he disliked barbers. But if he didn't get a haircut, Tifa would go off with another man until he did. He knew. It had happened before. Tifa also said that he was a coward because he hated barbers. Big time.

"Du-uh… Found it!" he cried happily as he saw the shop, **'Panu's Magic Trick shop'**. Unfortunately for Cloud, he also needed a check-up for his eyes.

He bounded inside and yelled, "I need a haircut!"

The shopkeeper with the nametag 'Panu' looked up. He was a short, dumpy man with mischievous features; short squinty eyes, like a pixie, thin lips from smirking way too much, and a longish nose from lying. No one else was in the shop, which was dark and gloomy and smelled of rubber, plastic, and dog poop.

"A haircut?" Panu smiled slowly and scarily. His voice was like a snake's, if a snake could talk. "I sssssee. Come in, child, come in." Panu's face looked as though he was hatching some sort of trick.

Cloud, oblivious to the obvious evil on Panu's face, trotted obediently after the shopkeeper. "Pleassssssse excusssssse the boxesssss. My little helper hasssssn't been around much," Panu said.

"Sssssit right here while I go get the sssssscisssssorssssss," Panu hissed, disappearing back into the shop. Cloud settled himself in the chair and looked around. He saw freaky, scary things that he never liked, such as clowns, masks and, the most terrifying of all, balloons. He shivered, but reminded that this was for Tifa.

Panu came back with the scissors. "Here we are," Panu said. "Ssssssit ssssstill if you don't want your hairssssstyle to be dessssstroyed." The little man began snipping away.

"Why do you want to cut your hair?" Panu asked. Cloud's face crumbled. He began to cry. "Well…" he sniffled, "my girlfriend keeps complaining because sob my hair tickled her face every time, and she'll leave me if I don't sniff cut my-" he broke off, wailing like a little girl.

"Ahh… Your girlfriend doesssssn't like it, I sssssee…" Panu trailed off, then he nodded evilly. Cloud shut his eyes and wrinkled his nose. Panu's body smell smelt like manure. He wasn't sure if he fell asleep, but the next thing he knew, Panu was sniggering. "Behold! You new... haircut!" Panu fell about laughing. Cloud stared at himself in the mirror, shocked as he saw his new cut, but had to admit that the shininess of his head looked really good. "WOW!!" he shrieked, jumping up and down, then gave Panu some money before dashing off to show his friends his new cut.

"You…" Panu started, but Cloud had already rushed off. He was about to say that Cloud gave him more money that what he was going to charge, but Panu decided that he didn't care. "Oh, well. Hisssss losssss."

...

"That folder is to check all your pictures, videos and others. Do you get that?" Vincent asked, struggling to keep Cloud's pig still. It went quiet, and farted. "Oh, God," Tifa waved her hand in front of her nose, then dug into her handbag for a tissue. Then, she turned back to her new cell phone, and tapped several buttons, then shook it. "Can you run the instructions by me again?"

"There's Cloud!" Yuffie said in surprise.

"Yes, we know there are clouds in the sky, Yuffie," Cid said, hugging his teddy bear. "There, there, Bearie, that evil ant is gone now." He tickled the bear between the ears.

"No, Cloud's coming!" Yuffie repeated.

Tifa stared in the direction of the path, whipping off her sunglasses, the putting them back on. "No, that's the weird bald guy that moved in next to me yesterday."

Cid sat up too, and peered closely at the wild figure. "No, it's Cloud! He seemed to have… over-shaved."

As Cloud drew within hearing range, Cid called out, "Hey, Cloud! Your razor got caught in your hair?"

"No!" Cloud hollered back. He skidded to a stop a few centimeters from Yuffie, and slammed right into her, knocking her into the tree behind her. Cloud wasn't hurt, but Yuffie was knocked unconscious. Tifa, seeing her best friend 4ever, next to Cloud, knocked unconscious, jumped up and glared at Cloud.

"CLOUD STRIFE!! HOW DARE YOU KNOCK MY BFF INTO THE TREE!! WE ARE SO OVER!!" Tifa stormed away.

Cid and Vincent could barely keep themselves from laughing out loud, but Cloud started to dance while crying.

"Hey, Cloud! I didn't know you could multitask!" Everyone jumped and stared at Cid's bear, which had opened its mouth to speak. They were too shocked to reply.

**Author's…** I think I have to stop typing that same thing over and over again, even if it's fashionable!

**Hi everyone! In case all of you didn't know, this is Dawn Runner95, all the way, but I changed my pen name… And Renzo helped to Betaread this again… I feel guilty b/c I didn't dedicate this story to him, so I've got a joke! I sorta changed it from a poem to a joke so yea...**

**What society helps lemons? (Not that weird lemon term that Fanfiction uses, the fruit)**

_**Lemon-aid!**_

**Not funny, I know... But seriously, does it matter?! Bye everyone!**


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